What we start off as - and what we become...

I really miss not working.
Even though I was raised in the 'Suzy Homemaker' generation of Barbara Billingsly cleaning and cooking in high heels, perfectly coiffed hair and an apron without stains - I was not 'trained' in the art of domestics.

I was never taught to cook, clean or do household chores.

Partly because my mother firmly believed I would 'marry up' and not need those types of skills - and partly because my mom was a control freak and didn't want anyone else tending to 'her' things.

Unfortunately, being the odd man out of my generation - as the only girl of 4 kids, I was raised to be a princess, but was born with the heart of an adventurer.

I remember my mom constantly yelling at me throughout the house to 'stop running like a horse and walk like a young lady!'.

I remember not being allowed to wear pants - only dresses and frilly lace socks.

And getting dirty was not EVEN a possibility!

My mom was not perfectly spotless, when it came to house cleaning - but she was still the victim of the dreaded Plastic Furniture Cover disease.

Still cringe at the memory of sitting on our sectional sofa, which was blue underneath the thick, clear vinyl which inevitably stuck to my legs - in a scratchy crinoline, under a lacy dress - peering longingly out the window at my brothers playing football, relay racing and riding their bikes - in front of our house.

And with them? Our neighbor 'Judy' who was lucky enough to be a tomboy, with parents who allowed her to be.

I was DYING to be out there, having fun, running like the wind and for ONCE, being an equal to my much older brothers.

But it wasn't meant to be.

My only consistent playmates were my dolls and stuffed animals.

Occasionally my elders and sadly, my brother who was 3.5 years older than me.

A vicious, lying and conniving little person who grew up to be a vicious, lying and conniving BIG person, and is now dubbed 'he who shall not be named' by yours truly.

I truly believe that children should be allowed to be WHO they are, not who they SHOULD be.

For those born into a famly with specific roles needing to be carried out - my heart goes out to them. Whether it be birth order or the parents who decide this - it is very deflating to go against your nature to be what is expected of you, rather than what dreams you may secretly carry in your heart.

Which is why when my amazing daughter decided that going to college to get a degree in Child Psychology, to work with emotionally handicapped children - WASN'T her true calling, I didn't truly hold it against her.

Oh I will not say I wasn't disappointed!

Nor will I go so far as to say it didn't take me a while to get used to this change of 'life plans'.

I felt my heart deflate a couple sizes, for sure.

But she needed to be Lauren - and I had to admire her conviction to discover just who this beautiful creature was...

After all - I didn't hook up with the rich doctor, lawyer or heir apparent that my mom was sure I would - so who was I to judge?

Like all parents, I truly just wanted my girl to be happy.
And these days, I am pretty sure she is.
Thank you Willie, for making my Blue Star Shine...

Thinking back, I wouldn't say I was a bookworm as a kid - but yeah, I was always reading.

I pulled good grades and felt that school was truly the only place that I was allowed to be myself.

I chose the aesthetics - music, theatre and art - to get involved in because it made me feel all tingly inside and held such amazement to me.

My heart was already that of an artist and I hadn't even found a preferred medium!
Was there any doubt in my mind that I would pass some of this connection on to my children? None.

So when my daughter asked to attend the San Diego School of Creative and Performing Arts without so much as ever having set foot on stage in a costume, my heart leapt with joy!

It was a ground breaking experience for her - opening up a world that she had not yet encountered.

I hope she holds fond memories of her high school years there - while there were no atletic team events or games - I am pretty sure the shows and other performances, were equally exciting for her.

I know that Brendan loves to make people laugh - as much as he enjoys doing so himself.

But for his anxieties and self esteem issues - in another world, he may very well have persued a career in comedy.

In this world however, he prefers to observe and laugh from his seat, within his comfort zone.

And that's okay too.

Those alternate realities aren't always all that they are cracked up to be - just watch Fringe!

Julian, however - may be the one to go a bit further.

Sure, it helps that he is the drama king of the family **wink-wink**...

But with his imagination, it will be more than a shame - yes sir, a downright travesty of justice - if that child does not hop up on a stage somewhere - if only to grandstand a student election!

How many kids do you know that want to grow up to be a soccer playing, doctor, policeman, actor and fireman?!?!?

Could he find any OTHER occupations to throw in there that are NOT something that would put him in the spotlight and give him major attention?!?!?
He cracks me up, truly.

He makes shows for me - as I remember doing for my great-aunt and grandparents.
He makes up songs and storys, acts them out and has created a castle underneath our dining room table where our kitty magically transforms into her majesty, Queen of the Castle.

Later, he produces the Kitten Beautiful Winten Show - where he serves as the barker/promoter and collects imaginary pennies from 'one and all', to attend.

"Come on folks! Don't be scared - don't be shy! It's JUST a cat show!" he announces as he rides his scooter throughout the house - promising koolaid and popcorn to those who attend.

The whole point of this entry into my blog, is about acceptance, really.

I am not domestic by nature.

Keeping a clean, picked up house and three meals prepared and on the table, (not to mention keeping the table cleared off in the first place!) is more challenging to me than assisting a Program Director on a multi million dollar airport contract.

I have done both and let me tell you - being a Domestic Engineer is downright brutal!

I have yet to accept my role of the last 10 years - or for that matter - the woman I have become.

I don't hesitate to accept that my boys are on the spectrum, that my daughter has become a living canvas for the breathtaking talent of her husbands hand - or that my husband won't ever be more than a cashier in a club warehouse.

My disclainmer here is that you don't have to like or agree with something - to actually accept it.

I read today, that envy is a waste of energy.

I agree - but that doesn't mean my stomach doesn't drop when I hear of someone achieving what were once my plans and dreams - that were somehow erased from my life's blueprint, which I so painstakingly created.

I am not a mean or heartless person.

I DO honestly feel happy for those who can accomplish their goals and dreams.

Isn't that what makes this country so special?

However in the same light, I feel let down (by myself) and inconsequential, when I look at where I am at this point in my life.

I truly never envisioned being who and where I am today - at 50.

It is at times heartbreaking, others ironic - and most of the time confusing.

In my head I hear David Byrnes voice singing the lyrics from the Talking Heads song 'Once in a Lifetime' - "How did I get here?!?!........"

"Letting the days go by....let the water hold me down....."

Good Saturday night all.