Did I think she took too much crap? Oh, heck yeah!
But I don't ever think she was truly oblivious to it.
She just didn't think menial, foul attitudes and behavior were worth a second thought.
Through the shows run, however, she did wise up a bit.
Via experiences, let's say - like her BLOG!
Those were a really funny set of shows - yet here I am, feeling much like Betty.
Wondering if anyone out there is even reading this and if anyone who could truly benefit from it - could ever even FIND it in this global network of communication known as the internet.
I was also late watching Julie and Julia. (Great movie, by the way!)
And like Julie - I am hoping to accomplish a goal with a deadline - somewhere on this adventure.
Back to that later.
Today is Wednesday - which officially begins MY week.
Julian goes to the Boys and Girls Club, my spouse is back to work after his 'weekend' of Monday and Tuesday and I feel for the first time in a week - like a REAL person.
With the boys on vacation, it is hit and miss as to what can actually be accomplished in a day.If it is a good day, I might skip the BGC all together and spend one on one time with my whirlwind Julian.
If it is a not so good day - I am counting the hours until the noon drop off time.
Today is looking like a 'not so good day', so I might be stopping in the middle of this and dropping him off.
A 'gals gotta do what a gals gotta do'......
Okay, I'm back...
Brendan is on half days at a summer transition program that should help prepare him for fall enrollment at Grossmont Junior College.
He leaves the house somewhere around 8am and gets home just before noon - walking each way.
Brendan does not drive.
Brendan probably will NEVER drive.
His anxieties are a huge influence on his ability to react quickly - therefore, how can I truly encourage someone with slow reaction time - to get behind the wheel of a massive weapon of 'very possible' destruction?!?
Due to this, he must become completely self sufficient in riding public transportation and/or walking to his destinations.
We live in a city that is just outside the main hub of San Diego, CA - to the east.
20 miles east of the ocean - and 20 degrees hotter or colder, depending on the season.
Brendan inherited my aversion to heat, so in the summer, when he SHOULD be out and about like any other 18 year old - when he gets home from his transition class, he goes into his 'cave' (aka: his bedroom) where he plays video games, watches tv, texts or checks his email via his phone and does not emerge for hours.
And then, only when he finally is in need of nourishment or hydration.
This is a huge concern for me.
Where I have no problem with him needing alone time or hybernating - when it is ALL he does, I have issues.
He is very rarely one to initiate - ANYTHING.
If someone were to call him and want to hang out - he is ready.
That is a big IF, though.
Most of the friends he has made in school are truly just 'schoolmates'.
Once summer comes - the friends he talked about (very sparingly I might add) are out doing things while he sits at home and complains that there is no one to hang out with.
The reason behind this broken connection?
There is no exchange of phone numbers or communication of plans.
Through his school years, he has repeatedly NOT established contact with classmates for extra curricular activities - because for Brendan, he has no interest in this.
Sure he WANTS friends, but he has no desire to ESTABLISH friendships.
Nor the effort it takes to MAINTAIN the relationship.
I used to wonder when I began dating my husband, how he could have friends he referred to all the time - yet when I finally met them - they had not communicated in any way for months, sometimes years! And they were all local!
I would DIE without my weekly, sometimes DAILY texts, calls, emails or visits with my girlfriends!
A friendship, I was always taught - like a precious flower - needs a connection to grow.It needs tending to, nourishment, love and more importantly: interaction.
If you leave a plant alone - giving it none of the above, it WILL inevitably die.
A friendship is no different.
Neither is a life, actually.
I could just 'allow' Brendan to stay in his room everyday, never leaving or feeling the morning sun on his face or the cool breeze of fall on his skin. I could even justify it by saying - it is his wish to do so.
But I can not.
To me it is a waste of life, of the gift he has been given to be young, healthy and strong.
He can walk, he can run, he can climb - he can rest.
Why sit back and watch his 'gift' wither away because he is deeply in his comfort zone and not wanting more?
I have tried so hard over the years, to find something to motivate him.
SOMETHING to stir a passion, within his soul.
It was with a sad acknowledgement, that at the most recent session I had with our family psychologist - he agreed and I had to as well - this is not something I will likely see, in my lifetime.
You can dress up a green plant with clipped flowers in water vials and make it LOOK like a flowering plant - but it is just an illusion.
Eventually the flowers will die, and it will be exposed as just a green plant.
No more, no less.
It does not make it less valued or less attractive - but in the same light, it does not make it a flowering shrub, either.
I have to learn to accept Brendan as the Brendan in this picture.
A beautiful, image of what he is.
And while I know that anything is possible and miracles DO happen, I prefer to stay realistic, right about now.
Accepting things as they are - WANTING to be proven wrong by a little miracle of our own.
In my last post, I mentioned how his looks have never been a plus for him.
We are a society, where sadly, the beautiful rise to the top - the wealthy achieve even more success - and the challenged, handicapped or disfigured, tend to easily be discarded or forgotten.
I am not criticizing - just making a statement of observation.
If Brendan did NOT appear like any other handsome, 18 yr old - perhaps he might be easier to place in a job, or program for someone whose handicap keeps him from achieving successes that he may otherwise have had the chance to do.
You take someone who looks like everyone else, but swap out the inner workings - and you have Brendan.
He is NOT like every other handsome 18 yr old.
He is overridden with self doubt, confussion, anxiety, too many thoughts and not enough time to process them all - and fears based on nothing substantial - but overpowering, nevertheless.
Sure, he could bag groceries in a supermarket.
He could wash dishes in a restaurant or sweep floors and clean office buildings at night.
Then what happens when his supervisor or boss doesn't give him every exact detail or bit of information about what he wants him to do, in his shift - and returns to find nothing done after 5 hours? All because he did not tell Brendan something as simple as if you can't find the supplies, ask someone. Or if you have a problem with turning the key to the supply room door - call me.
Because these type of things that you and I , might find undaunting or a mere detour?
Would freeze Brendan in his tracks or cause him such anxiety - as to shut down completely.
They might think he has an attitude, because when he gets frustrated he scowls and looks very angry - unaware to himself, of his expression.
They might think he is on drugs or under the influence of alcohol, because it is normal for him to move very slowly and yawn alot when he is overwhelmed or nervous.
To find a boss that can understand these things and is willing to inform the rest of his 'staff' that this is the case and not what it may appear - THAT is the little miracle I am hanging on for.
Hoping above all things in his life, that he can find someone patient enough, kind enough and empathetic enough - for the two of them.
Hopefully, the experience can give him some confidence and a foundation for attempting more things that seem so very difficult, at this time.
I know it may appear to some that I am being overprotective - that we won't find 'that' person, unless we just throw him out there.
Well, have you ever seen someone with such a fragile ego, that one single failure can change their life? Set them on a course of inactivity that will be immediately ingrained in their character, and be a life long process to undo, by those poor souls who care enough to be the caretakers?
I am married to one, I am trying to raise a young adult one - and I am doing my best to make sure my littlest one - can break the pattern.
Peace and Love.
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